Chapter 11: Church and Defamation

The new minister at my church put out a statement saying that I was to be permitted to participate in all aspects of church life in response to some of my narcissist’s flying monkeys trying to kick me out of the church.

In hindsight, it is unbelievable that such a statement was needed in an allegedly progressive congregation that even dedicated a month each year to ‘sharing the plate’ with the same domestic violence support organization that treated me in the months after I was assaulted. Talk about irony!

The new minister also recognized the nepotism and questionable practices that resulted in my narcissist being the President of the church and his first wife being one of only three paid employees.  According to denominational best practices, paid employees should not be church members to avoid conflicts of interest. Additionally, it was frowned upon for the church President to vote on decisions that directly benefited their ex-spouse financially.

Three years prior, when my narcissist was the President and divorcing Prissy, he put up a motion that the church increase her pay and provide her with healthcare for quarter-time work.

The church could not afford these expenses and was already operating with a deficit budget. While I strongly advocate paying people a fair wage and believe that everyone should have healthcare, I knew we could not afford it and, more importantly, I knew that people in the church were whispering about the conflict of interest, suggesting that he was doing it simply to lessen his financial responsibilities to Prissy. This, on top of the community whispering at Prissy leaving my narcissist for the minister’s daughter, was embarrassing. 

After the minister put out the statement in support of me, things seemed to be on the mend.

My friend and I organized an Easter egg hunt that resulted in dozens of new people entering the church, some of whom attended Sunday services in the upcoming weeks. The drama and conflict seemed to be dying and most people were either accepting the fact that my narcissist and his first wife, Prissy, had exited the church or were choosing not to attend in some type of protest. I plan on writing a future blog about the dynamics of people leaving a church when a prominent member leaves and/or is reprimanded for poor behavior. As a seminary graduate myself, I know of many studies that shed light on these dynamics and what they mean regarding the health of the church (not surprisingly, this is a clear sign that the church is unhealthy and focused on people/ charismatic figures rather than a broader mission).

One morning in April, I was going about my day when - bam - another flying monkey hit me, out of the blue completely unprompted.

This time it was one of the Board members of the church - Ron - who is married to yet another flying monkey Fanny. This dynamic duo deserves several blog posts of their own, but suffice it to say that they are a mess - do-gooders who are constantly bragging about their good deeds. Most of their energy is spent bragging about how wonderful they are and how much they help people etcetera. Even when they are advocating for one of their causes, they always slip in kudos for their good deeds. For example, in reaction to a policy that greatly harmed immigrants:

 Fanny wrote on social media “I am devastated on behalf of all the refugees & immigrants Ron & I have helped over the past 20+ year.”

More than once, she has gotten up in front of the church and read off a long list of all her good deeds so that congregants fawn over her. In other words, no matter how important the topic, Ron and Fanny always make it about them. 

Anyways, Ron - acting as a member of the church Board - wrote an email defaming me and my friend to the broader church community to include a whole cluster of churches in the region.

When confronted, he lied and said that it was his therapy notes that somehow got converted into an email and ‘accidentally’ sent out to dozens of people. Needless to say, people in the church did not buy it and, Ron was asked to resign his position or be removed from the Board. To save face, he and Fanny later told people he stepped down because of me and my friend’s actions. His abuse of position and defamation of me were so horrific that our Regional Director had to get involved and the church had to consult with a lawyer. Ultimately, this little shenanigan resulted in our church being sanctioned and not permitted to have a settled minister.  

In his email, Ron repeated false accusations, including that I had "threatened" my narcissist, Prissy, and their children. This claim is baseless.  In fact, I went to great lengths to protect my narcissist’s children for years including making sure that he was not out drinking and driving with them. Even after he was arrested for the second time, I continued to put his children’s needs first. For example, I allowed my narcissist to go through the Violence Diversion Program instead of a public trial that could have resulted in jail time. My narcissist recognized this goodwill gesture, and I have numerous texts from him thanking me for saving his hide. Moreover, I helped him to buy a house when we divorced so that he would have a safe place to raise his children. I even cosigned for the loan and gave him 20K as a down payment. Despite my efforts, he spun a different story to his flying monkeys.

I have since learned that he was part of a ‘men’s group’ at the church, and he used this group to defame me. 

It was within this setting, and other settings, that he told people that I ‘threatened his children and first wife, Prissy.’ I am not sure if he is outright lying (which he is wont to do) or if he is taking an email I sent him and twisting it to fit his agenda. My narcissist’s oldest child suffered from profound mental health issues that I will choose not to discuss any further. In fact, I would prefer not to write - at all - about his children, but since HE and PRISSY and several of his flying monkeys have opened that can-of-worms by accusing me of threatening them to the broader community, I feel that I should address the accusations. In one email to my narcissist, I expressed my concern that Prissy was lying and telling people that I was the cause of her son’s self-harming behaviors and mental health issues. I had heard this accusation from several people in my social circle. The reality is that the challenges his son faced were due to prolonged isolation during COVID and bullying at school.

In my email to my narcissist, I calmly explained that if I heard mistruths I would

1. speak the truth 
2. have my lawyer take action.

This is hardly a ‘threat’ but a totally acceptable and reasonable response to defamation. I have stood by my word and each time I hear mistruths, I 1)speak the truth and 2) seek out the help of my lawyer. Other than this, there is no truth behind the claims that I ‘threatened’ anyone. 

Returning once more to Ron’s midnight email defaming my friend and me to the entire church cluster, my lawyer wrote a Cease and Desist Letter, correcting the lies and mistruths.