Flying Monkeys & Bucket of Water #2 - Speak the Truth

And what is the most powerful antidote to a lie?

I soon realized that the smear campaign launched against me by my narcissist was all based on lies. Everything was held together with a string of lies - one building on the next. And what is the most powerful antidote to a lie? The truth, even if the truth doesn’t paint you 100 percent in a favorable light (hey, we are all human).

If you speak the truth 1) nothing can be used against you and 2) people quickly realize that you are not afraid to open your mouth and speak up. Both are of huge value when fighting a narcissist campaign.

Now don’t get me wrong, narcissists and flying monkeys are not interested in the slightest in the truth and even less so in what is right. Things like values, truth, right vs. wrong, ethics, etc. hold no weight with these folks because they are unethical liars devoid of morals and values.

But they are AFRAID of the truth. And anyone who speaks the truth is powerful.

By correcting their lies, mostly in public or in writing, and by speaking the truth, I was able to throw that proverbial bucket of water on some of the monkeys and make them scatter to the wind. (As a caveat, I only recommend this tactic if IGNORING them is not an option). 

Let me let you in on a little tip - people who lie ALWAYS get caught. Why? Because you cannot see all of the ramifications and intricate details of your lies and, once you lie, you have to keep lying with more complex lies to make the original lie make sense. 

I might not be doing a great job explaining this, so let me give you a few examples, some of which are more detailed and complex than others.

Example 1:

One of the lies my narcissist told everyone was that I was mentally unstable. On the night of his second arrest, he filmed my reaction to his abuse. After he broke my phone and iPad and took my computer cord so I could not call out for help, he started to assault me. I lost it. I broke pictures screaming “You are ruining our family.” He recorded this reaction and showed it to his recruits to make me look like the unhinged one. 

He and his first wife, Prissy, then, went to the Church (he was the President and she was the paid Sunday School teacher – yes, the nepotism was a problem). Their overarching argument was “Ekho is mentally unhinged and should not be allowed in the Church and around children.” Their real motivation for wanting me out of the Church was that their children (my stepchildren) were questioning their made-up story/ lie that I “went insane and that was why their dad was arrested” (as anyone with half a brain would). They did not want either child to ask me what happened.

In response, I calmly wrote to the entire board and Minister, and told them, with documentation, how my narcissist left his children alone with me for weekends at a time as recently as a week before he was arrested for assault (and the video was taken). Therefore, if I really was profoundly insane, as my narcissist claimed, then as mandated reporters, the Board Members needed to report my narcissist to Child Protective Services for endangering the lives of his children. I never heard another word from my narcissist or Prissy again. She resigned from her position as Sunday School Director, and neither of them has been back at Church since - that was 9 months ago. I still hear from time to time about how they speak untruths about me, but I am free to hold my head up high at Church while they sit at home on Sunday mornings.

Example 2

Any time someone said anything untrue or accused me of something I did not do (such as this string of texting lies), I not only corrected them and spoke the truth but I also questioned them on the lies. For instance, my narcissist told his flying monkeys that I was obsessed with him and was stalking him because I did not want to get a divorce. He also said that I would not sign the divorce papers. One of his flying monkeys, Amara, even went so far as to go to the Church and tell them that I was being irrational and would not sign the divorce papers.

Again, I calmly sent the entire board, including my husband the President, and the Minister the divorce paperwork showing that I FILED for divorce not HIM. I also showed them the police report showing that HE was stalking me and not the other way around. This monkey was so ashamed that she has not been back at the Church since – that was 5 months ago. She believed my narcissist’s story so thoroughly that she was willing to go to the Church Board and advocate for him. He let her, thinking that I would either slink away or just send an emotion-based response which he could deny. Instead, I sent the actual police report and divorce paperwork. Another flying monkey DONE.

Example 3

Ron, a Board Member from my Church, was so bamboozled by my narcissist that he actually wrote an email to the entire broader cluster of churches in my denomination accusing me of threatening my narcissist and his children. This was the most outrageous, harmful, and impactful attack I had to deal with to date. I was literally being accused of “threatening children” when all I ever did was love and protect my narcissist’s children – for years – from his drunkenness and temper. My narcissist, not I, was the real and imminent threat to children.

Immediately, this monkey was removed from his Board position at our Church, but I did not think that was enough. I wanted the truth to be out there and on record. I hired a lawyer to write a Cease and Desist letter systematically addressing each untrue accusation, and then also writing exactly what my narcissist and Ron did to harm me. This email, with supporting documentation, was sent out to everyone that Ron sent his email to accusing me of threatening my narcissist and his children.

Ron not only had to resign his position on the Board, but he hasn’t been back to Church much since. When he does come, I can tell that people are not comfortable around him and he is even less comfortable around them. Last week, I almost felt bad for him sitting by himself in the social hall during coffee hour (surprise surprise - the empath in me still feels for my abusers). 

As I have stressed time and again, not all buckets of water work on all flying monkeys, and each situation is different. But telling the truth is very powerful. It shows people that you will not live behind a set of lies and mistruths and that you are not afraid to speak the truth. While no one bucket of water is likely to shoo away all of the monkeys, a bucket here and there can dispel some and make dealing with the smear campaign much easier.