Types of Flying Monkeys

There are as many varieties of flying monkeys as there are mixtapes in a Gen Xer's collection. So far, I have identified nine of these nefarious little critters, but there are likely more, and I am sure that as this blog progresses, my list will grow. In my Field Guild to Flying Monkeys (start here), I  expand on each of these rascals and provide some helpful tips for throwing the proverbial bucket of water on them to make them scatter -- stay tuned. 

For now, allow me to present to you -- "The Noxious Nine."

1. Co-Conspirator Cockroaches (The Enablers): These repugnant creatures knowingly or unknowingly support the narcissist's behavior by excusing, justifying, enabling, and/or minimizing the narcissist's actions. They may make excuses for the narcissist's behavior (well she did x, or did you know that she did y) or even go as far as to blame the victim instead of holding the narcissist accountable. In my case, many of my narcissist’s flying monkeys fell into this category. His best female friend, Amara, (whom he lovingly referred to as Harelip behind her back due to her cleft pallet) is the prime example of a co-conspirator cockroach. I had known her for six years and, up until the day my narcissist assaulted me for the second time, she was texting me and making plans to hang out regularly. After my narcissist was released on bail and fled to her house to share his sob story, I never heard from Amara again. She immediately jumped to his rescue and was sure to defend him to the church and community at large. She had no qualms with making me out to be the villain. Her support for him did not waiver over time, even after my narcissist and I went to the Church Board (she was the Vice President) and explained that he had assaulted me and the reasons why I would be temporarily not attending church (i.e., I could not have my children around my narcissist and I wanted him to have a safe place in the community to attend with his children). Fast forward a year after my assault. My narcissist was nominated to a position on the church board by yet another of his flying monkeys, Fanny. When several members of the congregation began to question whether or not it was prudent to put my narcissist on the board after his name was in the paper not once but twice for domestic violence and harassment, Amara - still serving as the Vice President -- jumped to his defense, writing defamatory emails about me. Mind you, this woman was at my house 2-3 times a week and sent her kids to my house almost daily before my assault. Yet, the minute my narcissist went running to her telling to paint me as the villain, Amara immediately took his side, never bothering to ask me what happened. She was willing, in written and spoken word, to defend the person who assaulted me and to slander my name – all while boasting that she was a professor of women's studies and a feminist. Oh, the irony. 
2. Brown-nose Bunny (The Sycophants): Sycophantic flying monkeys, loathsome as they are, excessively flatter and praise the narcissist, seeking their approval and validation. They reinforce the narcissist's grandiosity and ego by constantly showering them with admiration and praise. I'd say Jennifer -- the woman whose husband cheated on her for years with someone overseas --  would fit this category (as well as others). I suspect (and my narcissist was cocksure) that she had a crush on my narcissist for some time. Heck, Jennifer may have thought that the two of them would become an item if she could just skedaddle me out picture. I know that he led her on and got a great kick out of telling me how grateful she would be for his penis – always adding “I bet she would be appreciative”. Jennifer was on a committee at my church that deals with mending relationships. My narcissist went to this committee with his children in tow and spoke about how awful I was and how he was the real victim. This monologue was so convincing that all three members of the committee allowed him to come back to the church without even contacting me, despite the no-contact order. After his Academy Award performance, Jennifer and my narcissist went out to a local bar. Later, when we were in divorce counseling, my narcissist bragged about how much Jennifer praised him and flirted with him, even suggesting that she 'shoved her crouch' in his direction with his kids present. Who knows if she did or did not, but I do know that this woman pretended to be my friend when the incident first happened, but I quickly found out that she was one of the most malignant types of flying monkeys – the ones that play both sides to gather information so that the narcissist can revictimize the victim again and again.
3. Gullible Geckos (The Useful Idiots): This species of flying monkey is often used by the narcissist to carry out their manipulative agenda without fully understanding the consequences of their actions. They may be misled or manipulated into believing false information or participating in harmful behavior on behalf of the narcissist. There were a few of these women in my Church. I noticed that two women (Beth and Marissa) – both of whom I had been on very good terms with for years – suddenly defriended me on Facebook and looked at me with almost hate in their eyes when I returned to church. I am not quite sure what my narcissist or his flying monkeys told these women, but it was enough for them to forget our years of friendship, unfriend me, and give me the cold shoulder without even asking my side of the story. I guess it slipped Marissa's mind the times we attended each other’s children’s birthday parties, or the time that I offered her my home to work in for a week while their kids were enrolled in a camp near my house to ease her commute, or the time I drove an hour plus one way on a school night to talk at her kids’ cub scout event about women veterans. And I guess Beth forgot about the times I offered her rides and money because she needed both, or the time one of her cats died and I helped to arrange an emergency funeral for her beloved pet. Whatever my narcissist and/ or his first wife/ flying monkey told them usurped years of my kindness. This can feel like an overwhelming betrayal, but ultimately, I truly believe we are better off without these fair-weather friends in our lives. Ultimately, finding out who these two were saved me time, energy, and money.
4. Tattle Turtles (The Triangulators): Triangulating Tattle Turtles are used by the narcissist to create drama or conflict by involving them in communication between the narcissist and their target. They may spread rumors, gossip, or misinformation to manipulate situations and turn people against each other. The best example of this was a woman in our town who is renowned for being the town gossip and one of the most disagreeable people I have ever met -- her name is Plumb. I don’t think my narcissist even actively recruited her, she offered herself up to him. People typically run when they see this detestable turtle coming their way – and that is not an exaggeration. I have seen people basically run into oncoming traffic to avoid this cantankerous gossip. As odious as this particular flying monkey was, I felt bad when Plumb's life came crashing down. In the matter of a few weeks, Plumb was fired from her job for being awful, had her termination published in the local newspaper, was charged and found guilty of harassing a citizen resulting in her losing her borough council seat, and lost her husband when he opted to move to a cabin in the woods without electricity or plumbing because it was preferable to living in the same house with her. I invited Plumb over to my house for Christmas because she had nowhere else to go. While my intentions were to provide her with companionship and camaraderie, her agenda was to gather information about my significant other and me to take back to my narcissist’s flying monkeys. Needless to say, she will not be spending Christmas at my house again – and if given the choice between a cabin without the comforts I have become accustomed to or another holiday with her -- open the cabin doors! 
5. Lemming Loyalists (The Coercive Conformists): This manifestation of flying monkeys feels pressured or coerced into supporting the narcissist due to fear of retaliation or social exclusion. They may go along with the narcissist's demands to avoid becoming a target themselves or to maintain their social standing within the narcissist's circle. In my case, Jennifer, the example I gave for Brown-Nose Bunny, also fits here too well to ignore. In the days following my assault, Jennifer pretended to be on my side and even sent me encouraging messages and support. I had always been kind to her and included her in our social events, even though none of my narcissist’s friends wanted her there. My narcissist’s first wife Prissy never wanted Jennifer's daughter to be included in their eldest son’s social circle, even though they were in the same grade and went to the same school, because she was “autistic and weird.” I was sure to invite her nonetheless. Anyways, as I have shared previously, my narcissist and his first wife were quasi-royalty of the church that we all attended. They worked together to encourage Jennifer to turn on me. I would imagine that she wanted to keep some footing with her social circle at church and the parents of her daughter’s peers, so the choice was rather easy. She was constantly gossiping about everyone in our community, so I am sure it gave her a thrill to extend her venom to me.
6. Secondhand Snakes (The Proxy Abusers): In some cases, flying monkeys may directly engage in abusive behavior on behalf of the narcissist, acting as proxies to carry out their wishes or inflict harm on their behalf. They may partake in gaslighting, manipulation, or other forms of psychological abuse to further the narcissist's agenda. There are a few people who I could put into this category, but I think the bipolar wife, Cathy, of my narcissist’s friend and coworker, Allison, would fit in here best. After my narcissist was released from jail for the second time, he called Allison to pick him up. He told his sob story to her and Cathy. In response, Cathy was on a mission, perhaps driven by being bipolar. She went about town arguing with people who stood up for me and told just about anyone who would listen to her that I was the problem and that he was the victim. I remember feeling hurt because, for years, I had defended her while my narcissist’s social circle referred to her as “Crazy Cathy.” I could name many examples, but one stands out in particular. I had agreed to watch Cathy and Allison's daughter one day. When they dropped her off at my house, Cathy was acting very unhinged and was saying untrue and hurtful (or maybe in hindsight they were true) things about Amara and Gasper.  Allison apologized on behalf of Cathy, and I could tell that she was ashamed of her wife's words and actions. Immediately, I told Allison that I understood and I would never hold it against her. I shared with her that I had dealt with things like OCD and even post-partum mental health issues, so I knew what it is like to have bad days. Yet, Cathy and, to a lesser extent, Allison had no qualms about defending my narcissist and throwing me under the bus. I guess the good news is that when people talk about "Crazy Cathy," I never have to defend her again. I just nod in agreement.
7. Patriarchal Pigs (The Misogynists): These swine are among the worst of the worst -- they are the victim-blamers who constantly revictimize abused women. They are driven by a patriarchal worldview and believe untruthful, harmful, age-old stereotypes about women like ‘women are overly emotional,’ ‘women are crazy,’ and ‘women who stay in abusive relationships deserve what they get.’ I will have a blog post on these and other biases, stereotypes, and prejudices that the Patriarchal Pigs use to revictimize people, but suffice it to say, in my experience, they call female victims emotional (as if having emotions is a bad thing) but somehow argue that the narcissistic abuser, who is full of anger and rage, is not emotional (as if anger is not an emotion). Oh the mental gymnastics. In my case, the most insidious of the Patriarchal Pigs was Fanny-- a former friend whom I (erroneously) trusted fully. Fanny prides herself on being a feminist (no joke) and a survivor of domestic violence and abuse. Yet she said horrible things to me and about me – such as “I never got justice and neither should you”  (anytime I told her about my lawyer’s strategy to help me keep my house) or “How many times did Ekho go back to him, because I have lost count” (in response to my friend suggesting that my narcissist was not a good person). This flying monkey arguably hurt me more than anyone else because, for years, I defended her and her husband who are both strong personalities and not well-liked in my narcissist’s circle. Ultimately, she sided with my narcissist and, not only tried to promote him to another leadership position within the church less than a year after he assaulted me for the second time, she also tried to get leadership to KICK ME OUT OF THE CHURCH and remove me from my position as Endowment Chair. She and her husband, another flying monkey, have continued to attack me to this day.
8. Frowny Frogs (The Grudgezillas): This species of flying monkey holds grudges like a squirrel hoards nuts for the winter. At some point in the past, you likely did something (oftentimes so small and innocent that you do not even remember it) that got under this person’s thin skin. They have been waiting, sometimes for years, to pay you back, and when they learn about the smear campaign, they are willing recruits for the role of flying monkeys. It is typically some imaginary slight (that no rational person would even think about much less fixate on for years). I can think of several people who, at some point, I disagreed with on some Facebook post or I forgot to respond to some message/ request or I didn’t tag them in a social media post, who held onto that egregious slight and, when my narcissist’s smear campaign started, they used it as an opportunity to get back at me. Sigh.
9. Envious Elephants (The Jealous Julies): Last but certainly not least are the flying monkeys who are just plain jealous of you. You might have a nicer house, drive a fancier car, be more attractive, have a more successful or prestigious career, or be the type of person that others want to hang around. This particular species of monkey is profoundly unhappy in their lives and thinks that you have something that they lack. Rather than seeing you as a role model, they see you as the enemy and competition. One of the flying monkeys, Audry, for some reason, thought that her son had a crush on me and that I returned his affection -- neither was the case. She was friendly to my face, but behind my back, she took every opportunity she could to badmouth me. My narcissist knew that she held these feelings, so when his smear campaign was in full force, he latched on to this narrative that I was having an affair with her son (I guess mothers always think their children's romantic prospects are greater than they are). This tactic did three things: 1) it gained my narcissist some sympathy points; 2) it confirmed Audry's fears and legitimized the rumors she and others were spreading; and 3) it recruited him another flying monkey. My narcissist loved to report to me all of the people who were taking his side and saying hurtful things about me. He was sure to let me know that this monkey had reached out to him after my second assault wanting to get “the real side of the story” -- a tale (i.e. lie) that he was only too glad to tell her. 

These are just nine of the flying monkey variants that I have identified so far. I am absolutely sure there are many different species and subspecies. I would love my readers to provide their insights into various types of flying monkeys that they have encountered so that a more comprehensive list might be created. Maybe one day my Noxious Nine will be the Terrible Twenty.