I came across this video by 'The Game Exposed' titled “Why Do Narcissists Love to Record You?”
Ever since my narcissist was arrested for the second time for assault and harassment, I have been trying to piece together that night and how things went down.
In a nutshell, we got into a fight about finances – I wanted to save and he wanted to spend.
In response, he grabbed my phone and iPad, threw them onto the floor (smashing my iPad but thankfully my phone was protected by an Otterbox), then picked them up and took the cord to my desktop computer rendering me without any means of documenting what he was doing to me or calling for help. This was not new and, instead, what he would do every time his anger got the best of him.
After hiding my devices, he came back and began to verbally and physically assault me. This time, I had had it! I had enough of the lies, drinking, neglect, manipulating, triangulating, gaslighting, and abuse. I reacted. I threw his Apple Desktop to the ground and, then, broke pictures of the family screaming “You are ruining our family” and “Give me back my phone.” What did he do? He recorded this portion of the incident – the portion that made me look unhinged and crazy. And, truth be told, in that moment – I was. I don’t remember ever in my life breaking anything in anger, and I know that I never destroyed anything of sentimental or monetary value. But as he was hitting me and screaming at me, something in me snapped, and I broke stuff.
I then remembered that there was another iPad in my stepson's room.
I went upstairs to get it to text for help. He followed behind me and, the moment I had the iPad in my hand, I felt his hand grab the back of my neck. He slammed my head against the wall, knocked me out, (read: The Second Assault) and then texted and called everyone saying “Help, Help, Eko went crazy.” The cops were called, and he was arrested. After he was released on bail, he went around showing everyone the video he took of me breaking the computer and pictures – a technique he used to recruit many flying monkeys.
In this video, the speaker rightfully points out that the narcissist will record you for a very strategic and manipulative reason -
“They are going to use it to show other people that you are unstable…that the problem is you…they’ll do a recording, but they will be sure to only show the part where you’re looking crazy.”
And that is exactly what my narcissist’s modus operandi was. He wanted ‘evidence’ that I was crazy – I was difficult – I was insane. And he strategically showed this to many people – even my friends – to convince them that he was the real victim and I was the abuser.
Three police officers came that night to arrest my narcissist. Two had been there the year prior when he was arrested for abuse. (Read: The First Assault) They remembered how I pleaded with them and begged them for 30 minutes not to arrest him. They were at the courthouse when I refused to testify and, therefore, the case was dropped. The woman officer even said ‘You were in the Army, what would you have told your female soldier to do if this had been her?’ I was ashamed. I knew she was right. I knew I should testify and hold him accountable. But I was scared, mostly for his kids who would be without a father and without income. They already had a mother who was questionable at best, and no family within a 1500-mile radius. What would happen to them? Their mom made a poverty wage, and my narcissist – a professor – paid for everything for his children. Moreover, we lived in a small, rural community. His kids already dealt with the social pressures of having queer/ trans parents in a town that did not readily accept alternative lifestyles. His son was dealing with mental health issues as a consequence of his parents’ poor life choices and early life trauma. What would they endure if their father was in jail for domestic violence? All these thoughts raced through my mind.
As stated, three officers came that night – and two knew exactly what the real deal was. One, however, was an arrogant, egotistical man who being a year or two into the police force made him even more arrogant and egotistical. As a junior member of the police force, he seemed to believe my narcissist’s woeful tale of how I went nuts and self-harmed. I have heard other victims of domestic violence share their stories of the police siding with their abusers when they try the ‘Jane/ Jack went crazy’ line.
When I asked my online community if their narcissist loved to record them to make them look unhinged the responses were all the same.
“Yup. Goin thru sum police bs rn behind my ex.”
Another person shared – “Oh my God yes! You are living my own life! My sister records, videos…it's scary it's the scariest thing I've ever seen”
The speaker in the video also explains that the narcissist’s “whole goal is to make you look bad.” My heart sank when I heard this. For me, this is perhaps the hardest pill I have ever been forced to swallow. I made a fool out of myself and discredited myself trying to cover for my narcissist and make him look good. I told people the first time that he was arrested for domestic assault that we called the police for help because he took steroids and had a bad reaction, and they accused him of hitting me. I lied about his drinking. I lied about his abuse. I lied about a lot of things, but always to MAKE HIM LOOK GOOD. He lied, too, but his motivation was to MAKE ME LOOK BAD.
That is what separates us.
In the end, my willingness to do everything in my power to protect him and his children was a testimony to my character, and his willingness to manipulate, lie, plot, and gaslight is a testimony to his character. People whose opinions I value see the truth, and his flying monkeys, well – I don’t value their opinions so I don’t care what they think. Let them make fools out of themselves trying to defend his behavior. Good luck.
