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Narcissists Compartmentalize People

Two Common Dating Patterns of Narcissists Reading Narcissists Compartmentalize People 8 minutes

Narcissists wear many different masks for many different audiences, so they must be able to compartmentalize the people in their lives.

In doing so, they can wear a ‘progressive and liberal’ mask with Group A; a ‘libertarian, laissez-faire’ mask with Group B; a ‘conservative and anti-trans’ mask with Group C; etc. What they are doing is mirroring the personalities, values, and beliefs of each group of people to maximize their positive impact on as many people as possible without ever having to reveal who they really are. Ultimately, who they are is evil, calculating, manipulative, and 100 percent self-serving, so they change their beliefs, values, and ethics with the wind. 

Once I figured out how my narcissist compartmentalized people to gain their sympathy and manipulate their emotions, it was like all the pieces fit together and my entire relationship with my narcissist started to make sense.

Let me explain how he compartmentalized people in a little more detail.

CLOSE FRIENDS

My narcissist’s first wife, Prissy, left him for another woman who later transitioned into a trans-man. Prissy and my narcissist were married for 20 years and had two kids together. They had exactly two sets of friends - Amara and Jasper (who had two kids approximately the age of my narcissist’s kids) and Ben and Abigail (who also had two kids approximately the age of my narcissist’s kids).

These two couples with their combined six kids were very close and, as far as I could see, none of them had close relationships outside of this closed circle. The kids only played with the other kids in this circle. They belonged to the same cult, hung out at the same bars, gossiped about the same people, etc.

In this group, my narcissist was a raging liberal who was 100 percent pro-trans and a socialist. I remember, at home, he would grumble about trans-male athletes being allowed to compete in professional sports, but within this group, he made gregarious pro-trans athlete statements supporting their right to participate.

He could wear this mask in this group because it was highly insular (cult-like to be honest). They all went to the same church and shared the same values (allegedly progressive but actually quite patriarchial and ableist). During COVID, this group wanted to implement the most extreme precautions, such as pods and homeschooling, mandatory masking two years after most people had quit masking in our small town, shunning people who were not vaccinated against COVID-19, etc. And when my narcissist wore this mask with this group, he shared all these values.

AT WORK

My narcissist had a colleague, Albert, who was a staunch libertarian, and a colleague, Joe, who was an outright misogynist. My narcissist put on his Ayn Rand pro-libertarian mask with this group and would harp about COVID restrictions and the vaccine. They did not feel that anything should be shut down during COVID and, instead, businesses should be allowed the freedom to remain open should they wish. The group, moreover, was borderline anti-trans and definitely did not feel that trans athletes should be permitted to participate in professional sports. Can you guess the types of grand speeches my narcissist made with this group? Of course, he was anti-masks, anti-vaccines, anti-COVID precautions, and anti-trans. He made darn sure that Albert and Joe never interacted with his other groups of friends.

WITH FAMILY

My narcissist never once had his family visit. And as far as I know, they have never visited him in the 25 years since he left home except for one time - his PhD graduation. Why? Because he wore yet a third mask with his family, who were by and large Texas libertarians who voted for Ralph Nadar. The mask he put on with these folks did not bode well with his socialist/ liberal mask, so he did not want his family around his primary social group, who would have likely insisted on meeting them if they had visited.

FAKE EVERYWHERE HE WENT

My narcissist had four or five other small groups of people with whom he would whip out yet another mask to wear. A few times, the mask would slip and his true colors would show. He wore the kind and giving, democratic socialist, pro-everything liberal, let’s save the world mask to our Church where he was the beloved President. He would get up in front of the entire congregation and tell big tales about his numerous good deeds, in his small hometown or during his tenure in the Peace Corps, all of which I have since called into question and, for the most part, determined to be huge fibs. He mostly wore this mask proudly and without fail around congregation members.

Once, however, he became paranoid that his first wife, Prissy’s, salary might be compromised. He had misused his position as Church President to give Prissy a raise and health insurance for quarter-time work (which our small Church could not afford) so that his divorce settlement would move in his favor. The new President, Robin, was questioning whether the Church could afford to continue paying Prissy so much, and my narcissist started to speak rudely and in a loud voice to her, and even made her cry. From time to time, in front of the people he cared least about, he would let his mask slip and people would see Mr. Hyde rather than Dr. Jeckyll.

 

Which of these masks was the real Narcissus?

I would say a combination of them all. Behind closed doors, he called his best friends horrible names. He called Amara "Harelip” because she had a cleft pallet. He called Jasper a Narcissist (oh the irony). He made fun of his first wife, Prissy, and called her ‘lazy of mind’ and an idiot. He loathed her new spouse, the trans-man, and blamed the new spouse for all of his eldest son’s mental health problems.

He hated people who cared about animals, particularly the cat ladies in the Church. He had no time for our organist who listened to NPR. He thought that the realtor in our Church was a snake-oil salesman and not to be trusted. He poked fun at the overweight lady, Jennifer, who he referred to as “desperate” and would tell me that she was flirting with him all the time (as if I would be jealous, good grief). He had zero respect for gay and trans people, particularly men whom he referred to as weak and pathetic (behind their backs, but sucked up to them to their faces).

In short, the meanest part of each of his masks was who he really was.

I remember looking at him with disgust as he changed - well, everything - about who he was and what he believed depending on his audience. A few times I called him out on it. He would laugh and tell me “You don’t know how to play the game, but I do, and that is why people like me and don’t like you.” There is likely some truth to that. I am raw, and real, and will tell it like it is. I don’t suffer fools or put on a mask to please people. And I am sure that rubs people the wrong way.

Ultimately, I have found it best for me to be the little weird, eccentric, bull in a china shop person that I am. The right people will find me and love me for who I am. And the wrong people, well, they can hang out with Narcissus and whichever masks he chooses to to wear that day. 

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