Lately, I have been taking the time to rethink some of my old assumptions and worldviews. Part of that process, for me, is reflecting on the harmful, untrue, and mean things my narcissist used to say.
I was constantly told I was "strange and odd," that "no one liked me," and mocked for having OCD, fibromyalgia (which he cruelly called "fibro-my-vagina"), and being neurodivergent. ~ Ekho
One of the frequent insults my narcissist hurled at me was ‘You are so insecure.’ And, if I am truthful, by the end of our relationship, I was. And, for a long time, I saw my insecurity as a flaw in my character, thinking I must be a "weirdo" or a "social pariah." But now I wonder: was my insecurity really a flaw, or was it a result of how my partner treated me?
I think back to 2017 before I met my narcissist, and I don’t think anyone would ever call me ‘insecure.’ My whole life, I was bold, outspoken, confident, and even brave. I did extemporaneous public speaking in high school and advanced to nationals where I spoke before a large auditorium of peers. I joined the Army during the Iraq and Afghanistan wars and never felt insecure or a lack of confidence. I excelled at my NSA job and would volunteer to brief four-star generals when my coworkers were too timid to do so. I thrived when I did contract work for foreign governments and presented my research in front of thousands of people. I started my own business. I dabbled in real estate. I organized major social justice protests and movements, where I spoke in front of large crowds and gave interviews with the press. I was not, by any stretch of the imagination, a person who lacked confidence or was insecure.
Yet in May 2023, when I filed for divorce from my narcissist, I was timid, scared, soft-spoken, and, as my narcissist so often described me, insecure.
What changed in those six years? Nothing - except having a narcissist in my life.
For six years, I endured constant berating, degradation, and mockery from someone I loved and thought loved me. My worldview and security crumbled as I was repeatedly told one thing but shown another. Every birthday was spent crying alone, my feelings were ignored and invalidated, and my future felt uncertain as my narcissist continually broke his promises.
So was his accusation that I was ‘insecure’ accurate? In a way - yes. By the end of the relationship, I had not an ounce of confidence in myself. And that is exactly what a narcissist does to you. They find you whole and leave you broken. By contrast, a good partner finds you broken and helps you to become whole again.
Today, about 15 months narcissist-free, and in a strong, committed relationship with a man who cares for and believes in me in a way no one else ever has, no one would call me insecure. I am, once more, strong, bold, outspoken, and even brave. I have my voice back. I know my worth. And I get to spend every day with someone who knows everything about me and loves me for who I am, not despite who I am.
So here is my message to my narcissist:
Dear Narcissus,
When you told me I was ‘insecure,’ I guess you were right. But I wasn’t always insecure. When you met me, I was a very self-confident person. After almost six years of my partner - who I believed, erroneously, loved me - regularly telling me that I was awkward, undesirable, weird, strange, an outcast, an embarrassment - I guess I did lose my confidence and become insecure. After years of being manipulated, lied to, cheated on, and gaslit, I guess my confidence did waver.
But is that a reflection on me, or is that a reflection on YOU? The truth is, your hurtful actions and words are indicative of YOUR insecurity. You saw me, a strong woman, and tried to break me. But in the end, you could not. Because I am not any of the awful and mean things you accused me of being. I am a kind, caring, empathetic person - and you hate me for that.
I read somewhere that you know you have healed when you look at your narcissistic ex and only see a ridiculous fool. And that is exactly what I see when I think of you - a fool.
Sincerely,
Ekho
