I came across this video by Coach Randy White on The Three Stages of Reactive Abuse (below), and I swear it was like he read my blog and wrote a video on my exact experience.
In reality, I would bet my last dollar that Coach Randy White has never heard of me and doesn’t have the foggiest idea about my story. What he is familiar with, however, is narcissists and their behaviors. Cut from the same cloth, narcissists behave in similar nefarious and devious manners, and that is why reading a blog article or watching a video by a survivor of narcissistic abuse rings true for so many others.
So what does Coach Randy White have to say about reactive abuse? Well, in his words, it is calculative, nasty, and consists of three stages: Devaluate, Abuse, Record.Let me break down each stage and, then, explain how my narcissist used reactive abuse against me.
Stage 1: Devaluate
The devaluation stage is the longest of the three stages, lasting weeks, months, or even years. This is the bulk of the relationship with the narcissist. In the Devaluation Stage, the narcissist is up to their normal harmful tricks. They lie. They manipulate. They project. They blame-shift. They use DARVO. And, most importantly, they begin to feed their friends and flying monkeys the narrative that they want them to believe about their victim. They will tell people that their victim is crazy, manipulative, abusive, mentally unstable, and unhinged. Their story is carefully crafted and deceitful, and most of the time, they are actually describing THEIR behaviors, not those of their victims (i.e., projecting).
Stage 2: Abuse
The second stage is the actual abuse. This stage is shorter - maybe a week, maybe a day, maybe an hour, maybe 10 minutes, maybe 20 seconds. The narcissist will amp up their abuse. They will push, pull, poke, prod. They do everything they can to get a reaction out of their victim. The ultimate goal is to get their victims to react uncharacteristically. In reality, at this stage, the victim is actually just defending themselves.
Stage 3: Record
In the final stage, which lasts only seconds or minutes, they record their victim’s reaction. Once they have pushed their victim past their breaking point, they will pull out their phones, and record the reaction to their abuse. BINGO. They have exactly what they want. They take this video recording and show it to their friends and flying monkeys - who they have already been feeding their faux narrative to – to convince them that their victim is the abuser and they are the victim.
Applying Reactive Abuse to Ekho’s Story
Stage 1: Devaluation
Similar to other survivors of narcissistic abuse, my narcissist used just about every tool and tactic against me during our almost six-year relationship. He projected and would accuse me of cheating when he was sleeping with my friends and looking at half-naked pictures of his students. He would manipulate my feelings by telling me one story, his first wife Prissy another story, and his friends yet another. He used DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim/ Offender) to victim-blame and make me apologize or feel guilty for his abusive behavior. He would lie about just about everything - where he was, his true intentions, if he was drinking, and the list goes on. He would rev up his abuse on my birthday so that I spent every single birthday crying and alone, feeling worthless.
He also told his friends and flying monkeys things about me that were untrue and, if they had thought about it objectively, farcical. He would take pictures of medicines and show them to his friends as ‘proof’ that I was insane. He would tell people that he was worried about my mental health, but never utter a word about it to me or behave like he was legitimately concerned (e.g., he would leave his kids alone with me for weekends at a time while he traveled for fun, while simultaneously telling people I was mentally unstable). He told people we were in counseling for my alleged mental health issues when we were in counseling for his abuse and alcoholism. I could go on and on, but I think you get the message.
Stage 2: Abuse
On the night my narcissist was arrested for the second time for assault and harassment, he really increased his abuse. He took my phone and iPad and smashed them on the floor. He then picked them up and took the cord to my computer so I had no way of reaching outside help or recording his actions. He hit me. He screamed at me. He threatened me.
And what did I do? I snapped. I had enough of his abuse, and I lost it. I broke his computer. I broke pictures. I screamed at him. I told him that he was ruining our family and destroying our marriage.
Stage 3: Record
What did he do when I reacted? He pulled out his phone and recorded me. He recorded my reaction - me breaking things, me screaming, me acting unhinged. And I was unhinged because he had just assaulted me, broken my iPad, stolen my phone and computer cord, and left me without any means of defending myself or calling for help. He put me in a position where I had no choice but to react, which was exactly what he wanted.
He then took the video and showed it to his friends and flying monkeys to paint the picture that I was the abuser. And people believed him. Misogyny and victim-blaming are strong in our society, unfortunately, and narcissists know this.
I have spent the last year and a half processing this night. I talk about it frequently and use my experience to help others. So many people share with me a very similar experience. It still chills me to think that anyone could be this cruel, calculating, plotting, manipulative, and downright evil. But that is exactly what a narcissist is - a cruel, calculating, plotting, manipulative, and evil person who doesn’t care who they hurt. They twist facts, lie, create false narratives, and set their victims up using reactive abuse and dozens of other tactics.
2 comments
Johnson
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT SHE DID TO ME – UGHHHHH.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT SHE DID TO ME – UGHHHHH.
Lynne
What a creep. So glad you got away. Indiana loves Ekho – way to go girl.
What a creep. So glad you got away. Indiana loves Ekho – way to go girl.