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Two Common Dating Patterns of Narcissists

Two Common Dating Patterns of Narcissists

Two dating patterns seem to be prevalent with narcissists, and I am still trying to make sense of how they fit together. 

Pattern 1:

The narcissist will seek out someone who is strong and capable, attractive, independent, educated, financially secure, and has high self-esteem, and, then, systematically work to break them down until they are trauma-bonded, insecure, uncertain, unstable, depressed, anxiety-ridden, and confused. 

In my case, when my narcissist and I first met, I was all of these things. I was a very strong and capable woman who was financially independent. I was a high-performing NSA linguist and analyst, Staff Sergeant in the Army Intelligence Branch, and, later, a consultant for foreign governments. I had a graduate-level education and no debt. I owned several rental properties and had just opened a small side business. I was an active and respected member of my community and well-liked among my friends and peers. I had traveled the world and lived in three countries. 

 

After five years with my narcissist, most of this was taken from me. I transitioned into a research-based job, where I made about half what I made when I met him. My small business had dissolved (probably due to no fault of his, but the instability didn’t help). I had no self-esteem or confidence left in me. Our mutual friends were exhausted from our turbulent relationship, and much of our community wanted nothing to do with us. I was estranged from my family. I was no longer active in my community and, instead, spent most of my free time just trying to survive life with a narcissist who had a drinking problem. In short, I was a mess.

Thankfully, since leaving my narcissist fifteen months ago, I have started a new side business, increased my participation in the community to include sitting on the Board of our local theater, and regained a strong support network. I am no longer estranged from my family, and my friends and I can focus on fun things rather than my everyday survival. I have a good co-parenting relationship, once more, with my children’s father and, perhaps most significantly, I am in a loving, committed, beautiful relationship with a man who cares for me in a way no one else ever has.   In short, I have been able to reestablish myself and restart my life in a relatively short-period of time and am almost back to where I was before I met my narcissist.

 

Pattern 2:

The second pattern I have witnessed with a narcissistic partner is that, once their strong and confident partner finally wakes up and sees them for who they are, the narcissist will move on to someone weaker and easier to manipulate. They will find someone with less agency because it is much easier for them to change their partners/ dissolve their marriages/ break up their families, than it is for them to change themselves. And this is precisely what my narcissist did.

He made a point to tell me all about his new supply, so I know quite a bit about her. She is a recovering addict (I hold the utmost respect for recovering addicts, as someone whose entire hometown has been devastated by the opioid epidemic). She is not what you might call conventionally attractive. She has very little education (compared to my narcissist who has a PhD) and a job that pays a low wage. In fact, per my narcissist, she was living in a family member’s RV for some time before he moved her into his home two weeks after they met.

When my narcissist told me about his new supply during the early months of their dating, he would say things like “she feels insecure that my friends and I are all educated and she is not.” “She thinks I am great - that I hung the moon.” “She let me have sex with her after I rushed her to her doctor 45 minutes away for a UTI.” “She let me have sex with her under a bridge and gave me her underwear.” “She has mental health issues.” “I went to a picnic for the 4th and met her family and they said ‘he’s a keeper.’” “For our first date, I took her to a total dive, and she ate wings like she was starving and didn’t complain about it being an old and dirty restaurant.” “I let her live with me in the basement, and she thinks she is living like a princess.” “She has never been in a good relationship with someone who treated her well, so she is ecstatic to be with me.” “Look at this picture of her with her little dog that died, she really wants a dog, but I am not going to let her have one.” 

All of these statements he sent to me - his ex-wife - in text and email. If you really analyze these statements, he is actually pointing out her flaws and insecurities.

He is taking notes of the things that bother her, likely so he can use them to abuse her. He is saying that he chose someone who let’s him have his sexual whims with her, without any concern for her health or wellness. I am sure these notes, and so much more, have been used to trauma-bond her to him. And creating that trauma bond will be relatively easy because she has so much less agency than me. She doesn’t have many options. She doesn’t have an education. She doesn’t have a good paying job. She doesn’t have a home of her own. She is a recovering addict with mental health issues (at least per my narcissist).

 

So how do we reconcile these two, distinct, seemingly mutually exclusive dating patterns?

My hunch is the narcissist oscillates between these two types of people. If they discard their partner, they probably go for the stronger person or Pattern 1. If their partner leaves them, they probably go for the weaker person to massage their egos and not have to actually change themselves, thereby exhibiting Pattern 2.

Prior to me, my narcissist was with a woman who, I believe, loved him very much. He was cold and dismissive of her, purposefully, so that she would leave him and he would look like the victim and her the villain. He told me that the day his first wife, Prissy, left him was the best day of his life. He would refer to Prissy as his “albatross” and  “a large woman (he would say ‘fat’) who was lazy of mind.” It is no surprise, therefore, that he felt emboldened and empowered after his plan to get her to leave him worked, and that is why he went after a strong, capable woman. And after I left him, he probably felt low and defeated, so he went after a woman with less agency.

 

At the end of the day, all narcissists actually care about is getting their supply.

They can get it from breaking down a strong, capable partner, and they can get it from manipulating and taking advantage of a weaker partner with less agency. My narcissist did both. Some people have asked me why I never reached out to his new supply and warned her. Like most narcissists, my narcissist worked quickly to get his new supply to fall in love with him and become dependent on him. He moved her into his house within days of meeting her, and, a few months later, they were engaged. Narcissists often do this because they are trying to send a message to the world “Look - I am in a strong, stable relationship, so I am not the problem, my ex is the crazy and unstable one.” The victim of narcissistic abuse will frequently move more slowly and with caution as they try to heal and recover their sense of self and stability. I am sure my narcissist’s new supply is totally trauma-bonded to him by now, just like I was. I could probably provide her with photos of my injuries, court documents, hospital records, etc., and I am sure she would not believe me or find some excuse to justify his behavior. In short, I am 100% convinced that it would do zero good to reach out to her.

Sadly, narcissists often move on to their next victim quickly and without consequence. Maybe he has changed, and he really is a wonderful, caring, kind man to her. And I genuinely hope this is the case. I hope he has changed and is giving her the life she deserves.

We should always want people to heal and be better...

...and the world would be so much better off if my narcissist would heal and become a kind, empathetic person. But, judging from what I know about narcissists, I bet that is not the case. All I can say is, when he eventually discards her or she wakes up and walks away, I hope she gets the support she needs to heal. That is my hope for all victims of narcissistic abuse - to heal and move on to live a wonderful life, narcissist-free.

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