Narcissists will demand the utmost, undying loyalty out of you, and will stab you in the back any chance they get. And worst yet - they will think this is fair and just. They feel that you are a sucker for defending them, and they are rightfully ‘punishing you’ for being naïve and downright dumb.
As I reflect on all of the times my narcissists demanded blind and unwavering allegiance from me while simultaneously throwing me under the bus, one series of incidents keeps popping into my head - his two arrests.
The first time my narcissist was arrested for domestic harassment and assault was in November 2021. We had just moved in together after four years of on-again/ off-again dating and blended our families. The couple’s therapist we were seeing at the time strongly discouraged this move, and in hindsight, she was 100 percent right.
She kept saying - “It will only get worse, not better after you move in together.”
In my gut, I knew that she was right, but on paper, my narcissist looked like the perfect man - a well-published professor, a figurehead at our Church, and a former esteemed Peace Corps representative. In my social circle, I had scored the JFK Jr.-equivalent bachelor of the year. But I knew there was a very different side of him that he was careful to hide from others. He was malicious, unpredictable, unreliable, self-serving, manipulative, and downright toxic. A trauma bond coupled with mom guilt blurs judgment, and I wanted my children to have stability and a ‘normal’ family with a mom and dad.
I have written about his first arrest in great detail, so I will just briefly state that he was hauled off to jail for slamming my head into the floor while so intoxicated that he has no memory of the night, causing me significant harm. The next day, when he was released from jail, he broke his bond, came to our home, and convinced me to drop the charges, not seek medical attention for my head injury, and cover for him. He made up an elaborate story, which I agreed to support if he agreed to stop drinking and get help for his alcoholism. Long story short, I kept my promise, he did not keep his.
I remember asking him at that time - “If the shoe were reversed, and I was the one in trouble with the police, would you stand by me?” He assured me, up and down, that he would beyond any question. Within a year, not only did I learn that he would never have stood by me, but he was willing to blame me for his bad behavior. Even more astonishingly, there were people (who should have known better) who would believe his lies.
Almost a year to the day from his first arrest for assault, in November 2022, my narcissist was arrested a second time for assault and harassment. Again, since I have written at length about this, I will keep it brief. This time, he broke my electronics and then, took the cord to my computer and hid it so that I had no way of contacting help. He began to assault me. This was not the first, second, or third time that he took all of my electronics (iPad, iPhone, computer cord) and hit me. He did this to make sure that I could not call for help or record his behavior. Unlike other times, this time I had it. I fought back - and he filmed MY REACTION to his abuse. He used this video recording to convince people that I was the abuser and he was the victim.
The police were called, and they did not believe his story any more than any other rational person would. I had marks all over my face and arm, and a head injury. But he had the video. And in the days following his arrest, while I was naively trying to protect him, he was showing that video to people in our community and social circle trying to paint me as an unstable and violent person.
Ultimately, he expected undying loyalty from me but had zero qualms about lying and blaming me for his bad behavior. I asked my online community if they experienced anything similar, and the responses were astonishing.
One person wrote, “He would always video my reactions and then tell people I was crazy.”
Another person added, “She would break things, walk away, come back, and blame me for the shards of glass.”
A third person shared “I had to be loyal to her 100 percent of the time, even when she was wrong, but she would throw me under the bus in a second.”
The takeaway? A narcissist will never be loyal to you, no matter how loyal and unwavering you are to them.
Not only will they not be loyal, they will blame you if they think that they can get away with it. I am better off without the narcissist in my life and, to be honest, I am better off without those who believe his nonsense in my life. Did I lose a friend? Not one! I found out who my friends were. Did my narcissist lose a friend? Yes, he lost a partner who loved him and would do almost anything to protect him.
